Some Jokes for you to enjoy

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

BEER WARNINGS

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends
want to smash your head in.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in
the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause
pregnancy.
 

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